Saturday's Secret. The Big Picture

Here's a secret for you. I was scared. Out of my mind. To the point where my mind blocked the reality of what was really happening. It was probably the longest 8 hours of my life. Longer then waiting for my children to be born in the hospital, this was my sister. Her brain, and even though I knew (or we sure as hell hoped so) she was in great hands.


This is my mom. This is the stupid, most uncomfortable waiting room ever. Behind her is Au Boun Pain, the overpriced food, danish, and coffee restaurant. I think me being there made my mom be stronger then she may have wanted to be.

This is my dad. (he's hiding) he tried to sleep in the most uncomfortable place on earth. Or just make it all go away. It didn't work. So here is what happened...
This above is a diagram of what is in my sister. Below you will see two weeks later, we are back at the hotel for the generators to be put in her chest. So what you see here are the staples and scabs from the surgery when they went INTO my sister's brain. INTO...
Here on the side is where it gets confusing. From the brain there are these leads (wires) that go to here, and connect to more wires, that go down her neck, over her shoulders and into pace maker type generators that we would hope would tell the brain that certain muscles are over working to the point of keeping Susie's head always to the left, to the point where it is cutting off her voice, makes it near impossible to eat, drinking is a joke, and now the Dystonia makes her hands cramp up. Way to not only take away her voice, but lets fuck up her hands so she can't sign to us either.

So again the Saturday Secret. Was I was scared out of my mind. Maybe I didn't show it like people thought. Most people asked if I had a breakdown, or how I could cope with this.

Well folks here is the answer to how you cope. You just do.

You realize that you freaking out, will do you. The person or persons involved, and the victim themselves, absolutely NO good.

Sure, cry, question life, the "creator" and all that you want. But wigging out constantly will only stress you out, in a situation you can only hope to understand. You can't change it. (If you can let us know) I was asked why I didn't take more time off work. (the person asking took off 3 days when her Gramma was diagnosed with Cancer. She said she would have needed weeks to deal with what I just went through) I just took off the days needed for the surgery, I stayed at the hotel with my parents, and Ed came up everyday between work.

If I let myself just freak the fuck out... well I can't. So maybe that is the secret. I was scared, but we all know that. But I really just can NOT for the life of me, even try to freak out. Even in totally scary situations I just can't. I laugh at serious situations, smile when I hear about catastrophes. Not because there funny, no way. But it's like my mind is much stronger and just won't let me break.

I mean I cry, alot, about 9/11 and Susie, flood victims, and all sorts of tragedies. But what I am trying to say, is just during the situation. I seem to be clear about what needs to be done. I am not in the corner rocking myself, I am just there. I see it. Deal with it. And deal with the emotions later. Much later.

Maybe this makes me a freak, or heartless. Maybe through all the asshole family members (Mr. Bill at Thanksgiving 2005, Rich and Lila 2008. Dealing with just stupid ignorant people, the just mentioned, or shit talkers, Amanda, and thieves, Heather, or just rude, Lauren) Those people most I hate, some I just don't let get as close to me anymore. Those people. Those people are the ones that made me. You take all that and combine it with the most AMAZING support system of my parents, Susie, Ed and his family, and my best friend Jen. Knowing that I still can keep friends from 25 years ago....

That folks is what makes me tick. Some shitbrick sends me anonymous emails and gets angry with me? Oh you have no idea. I may seem small, and kind. A energetic girl with a lot of sass. Well it takes a lot of hurt combined with alot of love and support.

I think i got off my track, but my secret is I may seem emotionless at times. But sometimes you have to look at the big picture.

Yes Susie had 8 plus hours of brain surgery. And yes I was scared shitless. But I was able to control it, because I knew that freaking out would do me nothing.

I know my Aunt and Uncle died. Who's fault is it? That seems to be the question at hand. Lot's of people want to blame my cousins, some douche bags (Lila and Rich) even think to blame myself and my mom. No folks, my Aunt drank and smoked herself to death. My Uncle was heartbroken, attempted to move on. But just wanted to be with my Aunt. I hate the way things unfolded, it makes me so sad, and I think of them often. But to see the bigger picture, you have to see that my cousins do make mistakes. But being raised in an abusive home, and with poor parenting, well society is filled with people who's parents just didn't finish there job. So I see parents that had kids, enjoyed alcohol, smoking and not being parents to much. As a result the kids were not taught the common sense of work, living and money. Did this mean they didn't love there kids? Not even close. I know they loved there kids, but the sickness just got in the way. Now with the parents gone. I only hope the kids either on there own or together, help each other to move on and stay strong. Big picture.

In the back of my mind a recession is always at hand. I know that the Village raising our taxes out the ass, is not helping us financially. We own a home that we could afford in 2003. But almost 6 years later and $300 a month more just for taxes, kills a mortgage payment. I don't know what this recession we are going to go into will entail. I know that we have parents that will help us all they can, and I have friends and family that are close for support. I can't freak out yet, because, I see the bigger picture of just getting through it, bearing down, and moving on.

Kinda like childbirth. Sucks, hurts, lots of painful, and annoying things happen in that long 10 months. So when they tell me it's time to push, I realized I couldn't freak out and change my mind. The kid was either coming out one way or they make the way out. So I just did what I had to do. Push!

And the easiest one. Traffic. Seems minor to what I have already talked about. But in all seriousness. Traffic, will send your anxiety through any car roof, in a second! I don't like to wait any more then the next driver but, I really don't get the point in having a FULL LONG ASS conversation about how horrible the drive is, or ON and ON and ON about a driver. Seriously, if' it's a long light. They say to time it. No really the longest light is usually only 45 seconds. And traffic, yes it blows, but you can't fly over people, so just suck it up. I love watching the spaz's in there cars waving there hands. Breath people, just remember it could always be worse.

So before you freak out, try to look at the big picture. And then just take it one step at a time to get there.