Saturday's Secret. The Big Picture

Here's a secret for you. I was scared. Out of my mind. To the point where my mind blocked the reality of what was really happening. It was probably the longest 8 hours of my life. Longer then waiting for my children to be born in the hospital, this was my sister. Her brain, and even though I knew (or we sure as hell hoped so) she was in great hands.


This is my mom. This is the stupid, most uncomfortable waiting room ever. Behind her is Au Boun Pain, the overpriced food, danish, and coffee restaurant. I think me being there made my mom be stronger then she may have wanted to be.

This is my dad. (he's hiding) he tried to sleep in the most uncomfortable place on earth. Or just make it all go away. It didn't work. So here is what happened...
This above is a diagram of what is in my sister. Below you will see two weeks later, we are back at the hotel for the generators to be put in her chest. So what you see here are the staples and scabs from the surgery when they went INTO my sister's brain. INTO...
Here on the side is where it gets confusing. From the brain there are these leads (wires) that go to here, and connect to more wires, that go down her neck, over her shoulders and into pace maker type generators that we would hope would tell the brain that certain muscles are over working to the point of keeping Susie's head always to the left, to the point where it is cutting off her voice, makes it near impossible to eat, drinking is a joke, and now the Dystonia makes her hands cramp up. Way to not only take away her voice, but lets fuck up her hands so she can't sign to us either.

So again the Saturday Secret. Was I was scared out of my mind. Maybe I didn't show it like people thought. Most people asked if I had a breakdown, or how I could cope with this.

Well folks here is the answer to how you cope. You just do.

You realize that you freaking out, will do you. The person or persons involved, and the victim themselves, absolutely NO good.

Sure, cry, question life, the "creator" and all that you want. But wigging out constantly will only stress you out, in a situation you can only hope to understand. You can't change it. (If you can let us know) I was asked why I didn't take more time off work. (the person asking took off 3 days when her Gramma was diagnosed with Cancer. She said she would have needed weeks to deal with what I just went through) I just took off the days needed for the surgery, I stayed at the hotel with my parents, and Ed came up everyday between work.

If I let myself just freak the fuck out... well I can't. So maybe that is the secret. I was scared, but we all know that. But I really just can NOT for the life of me, even try to freak out. Even in totally scary situations I just can't. I laugh at serious situations, smile when I hear about catastrophes. Not because there funny, no way. But it's like my mind is much stronger and just won't let me break.

I mean I cry, alot, about 9/11 and Susie, flood victims, and all sorts of tragedies. But what I am trying to say, is just during the situation. I seem to be clear about what needs to be done. I am not in the corner rocking myself, I am just there. I see it. Deal with it. And deal with the emotions later. Much later.

Maybe this makes me a freak, or heartless. Maybe through all the asshole family members (Mr. Bill at Thanksgiving 2005, Rich and Lila 2008. Dealing with just stupid ignorant people, the just mentioned, or shit talkers, Amanda, and thieves, Heather, or just rude, Lauren) Those people most I hate, some I just don't let get as close to me anymore. Those people. Those people are the ones that made me. You take all that and combine it with the most AMAZING support system of my parents, Susie, Ed and his family, and my best friend Jen. Knowing that I still can keep friends from 25 years ago....

That folks is what makes me tick. Some shitbrick sends me anonymous emails and gets angry with me? Oh you have no idea. I may seem small, and kind. A energetic girl with a lot of sass. Well it takes a lot of hurt combined with alot of love and support.

I think i got off my track, but my secret is I may seem emotionless at times. But sometimes you have to look at the big picture.

Yes Susie had 8 plus hours of brain surgery. And yes I was scared shitless. But I was able to control it, because I knew that freaking out would do me nothing.

I know my Aunt and Uncle died. Who's fault is it? That seems to be the question at hand. Lot's of people want to blame my cousins, some douche bags (Lila and Rich) even think to blame myself and my mom. No folks, my Aunt drank and smoked herself to death. My Uncle was heartbroken, attempted to move on. But just wanted to be with my Aunt. I hate the way things unfolded, it makes me so sad, and I think of them often. But to see the bigger picture, you have to see that my cousins do make mistakes. But being raised in an abusive home, and with poor parenting, well society is filled with people who's parents just didn't finish there job. So I see parents that had kids, enjoyed alcohol, smoking and not being parents to much. As a result the kids were not taught the common sense of work, living and money. Did this mean they didn't love there kids? Not even close. I know they loved there kids, but the sickness just got in the way. Now with the parents gone. I only hope the kids either on there own or together, help each other to move on and stay strong. Big picture.

In the back of my mind a recession is always at hand. I know that the Village raising our taxes out the ass, is not helping us financially. We own a home that we could afford in 2003. But almost 6 years later and $300 a month more just for taxes, kills a mortgage payment. I don't know what this recession we are going to go into will entail. I know that we have parents that will help us all they can, and I have friends and family that are close for support. I can't freak out yet, because, I see the bigger picture of just getting through it, bearing down, and moving on.

Kinda like childbirth. Sucks, hurts, lots of painful, and annoying things happen in that long 10 months. So when they tell me it's time to push, I realized I couldn't freak out and change my mind. The kid was either coming out one way or they make the way out. So I just did what I had to do. Push!

And the easiest one. Traffic. Seems minor to what I have already talked about. But in all seriousness. Traffic, will send your anxiety through any car roof, in a second! I don't like to wait any more then the next driver but, I really don't get the point in having a FULL LONG ASS conversation about how horrible the drive is, or ON and ON and ON about a driver. Seriously, if' it's a long light. They say to time it. No really the longest light is usually only 45 seconds. And traffic, yes it blows, but you can't fly over people, so just suck it up. I love watching the spaz's in there cars waving there hands. Breath people, just remember it could always be worse.

So before you freak out, try to look at the big picture. And then just take it one step at a time to get there.

Jesus flying fucking chirst already. VENT

Aaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Ffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!

Better.

Alex would NOT eat his fucking beef. Yes I know start veggies first, well I already opened them, so by day 5 he can eat some damn level 1 beef. That took a half hour (bottle included) the dogs barked, Sophie the douche bag would NOT come in the door, so she barked if I closed the back door. But she wouldn't come in if I opened it. Not leaving it open to many flys and bees.

Maggie was all in my face because she could smell the beef from Alex's pured cat food looking dinner. Mia was fine, more confused at my random shouting and growling. But the whole time sang "It's time for a snack! It's time for a snack"

Can't let the dogs bark, Ed is sleeping in the t.v. room in the subfloor (or basement) Bah, then I was caring Alex upstairs to hose off the 1/2 a jar of beef from his naked little man chest, and I do the most ANNOYING thing, ya know when you walk into a door and clip your fucking hand on the door?! WTF!?!? It could have been worse I have been known to misjudge the door hole, and just clip my whole damn shoulder on the door frame.

Jesus. It's not like I don't still have a shitload of stuff to do today, but NO let's aggravate me to the point where I just say fuck it and go stare at the t.v.

45 minutes till Mia and Alex go to bed. Oh fuck, the cat just yacked on the floor... eww... it's like a sausage of barf... anyone else wanna pick a fight with me. Because RIGHT now I would be a good candidate for a total psychotic ass wooping on any random tard that chooses to speak to me...

Maybe I will just piss away some time, and find the theme song to Noddy, that could make me better...

Thursday's 13

Thursday 13

Thirteen things I am feeling today...

1. Jittery ~ Too much coffee and no food.
2. Happy ~ Enjoying the fact that we have NOT had the air on for 8 days now!
3. Fat ~ Off the diet, back to bad foods. I haven't gained to much of it back though.
4. Excited ~ we are taking Mia to see Disney on Ice tomorrow night!
5. Tired ~ Now the jitters are fading and the crash is coming soon
6. Productive ~ Even though I am 4 load behind on folding laundry. The house is getting organized. Little by little
7. Successful ~ With my Stampin' Up! business. I am doing well in sales again, I will make Diva Night, again for this quarter. Can't wait till next quarter!
8. Thrilled ~ about the new shows starting up! Can't wait!
9. Amused ~ Mia's new love is for Rolie Polie Olie. He is too cute. Ed rented her 3 videos (kids movies are free at Family Video) her and Alex are watching one right now!
10. Busy ~ I want to move the dirt today, to my new garden place. But the sprinkling rain is delaying! I will go fold clothes for now...
11. Proud ~ Of how we work together as a family. Just a daily routine is nice, Ed is alot of help when he is here.
12. Thirsty ~ I want water. Lots of it... maybe do to the large amount of coffee and not enough food... I have eaten though...eggs...
13. In Love ~ In love with my kids and husband. I love my life, and our home. I am very content right now.

Let's play nice, says Hamsterwatch...

I took this quote from my favorite Big Brother blogger, www.hamsterwatch.com, and I agree. It is so much easier to hate on people then to actually say anything nice. So in honor of the question below, I want to play along...

It's so easy to trash them and hate on them in these last weeks, but with Hurricane Gustav looking like it's headed to take out New Orleans again, we should put things back in perspective, and maybe think about one card in particular that's a fitting question for Hamsterwatchers: "What are the redeeming qualities of the person you most dislike?"

Now I didn't know if by "person you most dislike" to be from BB10, or just in my life in general. Let's go with BB10 and save us some drama...

Right now I mostly dislike Jerry. BUT I do need to address a "redeeming quality" about him... I have to say his wife. I know, that isn't Jerry, or a quality, but I am trying here. I like his wife and the fact that Jerry loves her even though she has Parkinson's. And as a devoted reader to my blog may know, my sister has Dystonia, which is a rare relative of Parkinson's. So when he got his call from home, I was a mess. And proud of him and his family. And that is all I have to say on Jerry.

OK, fine I have decided I will do a person in my real life that I dislike at the moment. And attempt some nice words... OK first I have to explain I don't really dislike this person, I just don't think she knows how negative she is, ALL the TIME! and the fact that she is ALWAYS busy (but has no kids?!?) just drives the group of us stampers insane. I will not mention names, it's not necessary. But the nice things about this person is that she does think of me and does find ways to get pictures of Jaron for me (Stampin' Up! demo's know exactly who Jaron is, and who I am speaking of) and she has been nice to me. So why have salty feelings when time has passed, and it was just minor words spoken.

Ok I have wasted enough time, I am 12 minutes over my allotted afternoon break. Sounds silly, but if I don't time myself I will be here forever... gatta go!

My Moods

Sad. At myself. I was selfish and insisted that we go to Pizza Hut for dinner. Ed was having a nice time in the pool and I poo pooed it. Dinner was good, but conversation was limited. I hate it when I get like that. Sorry Ed. I should have left you float in your pool... maybe tomorrow when you wake up...

Excited. About the new Stampin' Up! Fall/Winter Idea Book and Catalog! Coming out August 11th! I just received my pre-order stuff! And I have a Stamp Camp tomorrow. AND my new art room is coming together nicely. That makes me happy. Oh and I have 4 RSVP's and yes's for my Open House and new Cattys!

Tired. Just tired. I want to do it all but there are so many hours in one day. As always, maybe tomorrow...